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Naked Tenants Gas Disconnected After Police Arrive

DIY-Disaster by Bart Everson 2006

Some members may avoid our breakfast meetings, assuming we all sit around bemoaning the latest tax or regulatory changes but reality could not be further from the truth. This month we were entertained with the tale of the naked young female tenant, a policeman and as many DIY disasters as you can imagine. Read on for the full story….  

The Full Story... 

When my tenant called to say the lath and plaster ceiling had crashed onto the floor, I rushed to the house only to find the rear end of a policeman disappearing through the lower panel of the front door. The theory is that it is a good thing when tenants look after their property but for me, the dreaded words are "Is it OK if I do some DIY?". Four years on I am still painting the lounge, long ago tenant decorated – black zig zag stripes still show through the 6 or 7 coats of paint since added in an attempt to conceal it.

Anyway, I digress, why was there a policeman on all fours disappearing through the front door? Apparently, tenant had locked herself out and not remembering I was on my way round, she had called the police. Helpful bobby had kicked in the lower panel of the front door and was in the process of crawling through to open it from the inside. When she had told him her baby was trapped inside, he probably did not realise she meant her bloody cat....

Back to the DIY: Lath and plaster ceilings make a real mess when they collapse and this one was no different. The upsetting thing was that it had been caused by a leak resulting from some tenant DIY which had already caused the plaster walls in that room to have 'blown' and needed plasterboarding over – those repairs complete, I assumed the damage had been done and lessons had been learnt. Little was I to know they would do it again, resulting in the loss of the ceiling this time.

It does not help that my normal tradespeople refuse to call – a couple of them complained either that the tenant greeted them at the door, wrapped in a towel, naked from the waste up or that on entering the bedroom, she was lying naked on the bed waiting for them. Maybe a mental health issue resulting from a lack of support and affection during childhood or maybe an actual case of nymphomania, but either way, my trades guys to a man, got out as quick as they could and refused to go back.

But anyway, I got my gas guy to go in because over the smell of fallen ceiling, drying plaster and damp, I thought I could smell gas. He was very reluctant and would only go if I acted as chaperone – but then informed me that the allowable gas pressure drop of 4mm over 2 minutes or whatever it was, was being exceeded and the reading was 6mm. It was at this point he told me he had to disconnect the gas as it was dangerous and he then left.

He did say he suspected it was the gas hob and having looked at the DIY involved; he suggested I just replace it with an electric one instead.

This sounded sensible and I found an unsuspecting electrician who did not know me or the tenant and sent him in, hoping she would behave while he fitted the new hob. It was at this point the argument began – he told me the insulating tape connecting the wiring behind the double oven was dangerous and the wiring and fuseboard (does anyone other than me call consumer units fuseboards anymore?) needed to be replaced as it was insufficient for that oven, I asked the tenant what happened to the single oven that was there and which was perfectly legally plugged into the 3-pin socket under the counter, the tenant and her new partner assured me that the oven had always been there and it was my problem not theirs – and of course, did I specify on the inventory the precise make and model of the oven? Of course not, so yes, it was now my problem.

Just to compound matters, the man from the council arrived – presumably in response to the tenants complaining about me to cover the damage that they had caused. Luckily, I was there at the time, things were touch and go until we got to the kitchen where he appeared confused. He obviously identified the heat detector and the carbon monoxide detector which were linked to the smoke alarms in the hallways but was perplexed by the one in the middle. I explained that it was not a detector or alarm at all but was the 'socket' into which the tenants pole was inserted when she was practising her pole dancing. He left almost as quickly as my trade guys had done after previous incidents…..

If you think the above story is a little farfetched – you are partly right. Everything in this tale has happened to one of the landlords who attended our breakfast meeting in October – so it is all true, just that it happened with multiple tenants / properties over the past couple of years.

Do come along to our next breakfast, we would all love to hear part 2. 

All Quiet On The Licensing Front

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